While I'm typing this, my head pulsates with pain. Yes, pulsates. I bet your wondering your why, or maybe your not, I really don't care. Its bad enough that I am typing with my eyes closed so I don't have to feel the light off the screen burning holes into the back of my skull. Its not so much of a surface pain, or even an early stage migraine pain. Its a late stage, after the loss of vision, after you take your meds and after you lay down. Its the nauseating stuff, the kind that, when you look away too quickly or you turn on the lights, a wave of nausea hits you, and you struggle to push down the pressure built up in your throat. I am contemplating whether to hope I can reach the toilet in time or pray that it passes. I went with the latter. The back of my throat screams "no" to the burn it feels every time my body wretches out dry heaves. I can feel my eyes roll back in their sockets when a wall of pressure attacks my mind. I sometimes wonder what triggers this. Was it the cookie dough, the ignorance, the corn dogs? My nose is whispering corn dogs, but all it "nose" is peach. Hahaha. Another one of my self-flogging failures- humor. Oh, I crack one here or there. But they really aren't that great. You laugh and say, "oh, about time you had a good one" but they aren't any good. Maybe I try too hard without realizing it. And that could possibly apply to all of my life. I've tried to slip into the background. It hasn't really worked. I realized a while ago that the spotlight isn't the best place to be. I've tried to hide some pain behind a smile. Thats just a quick fix. Behind closed doors the mask comes off. I've alway hoped that there was someone that would help me take it off. Now I'm not so sure there is. I mean, I take it off because it should feel good. No one likes to breath the same air. You run out of oxygen that way. And your face gets hot. So it feel good to take it off. But then you realize why its on. Its on so that you aren't reminded of things you forgot. Or things you don't remember. Or even of who you are. I used to think that once someone helped me take it off, they would like the face under the veil. But now I'm not so sure. I'm scared that they'll see something they didn't expect. I am scared they won't know I wear one. I'm scared that I'll become a part of me. The masks leaves you without air, without light, and in the end: empty.
When you wear a mask, you can't feel the breeze.
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1 comment:
I know what you mean.
sometimes we get so scared of what other people will think of the real us, and we think that it's just easier to lie. But you know what, in the end, it's soo much harder. We pretend we're happy, we pretend we're content with where life leads us, but that deception just causes more pain than good.
But if we deny who we really are, it's in a way an insult to God. Afterall, he is our creator, the one who made us the way he wants us. So even though we've all heard it many-a-time, who cares if no one likes us?! God smiles on us when he's sees us being who he has created us to be!
That's not to say a person cannot change as far as lifestyles/habits go, it's only to say that we shouldn't be afraid of being ourselves and showing other people or quirks and uniqueness!
We are fearfully and wonderfully made, inside and out, and that's an awesome thing!
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